The Emotionally Intelligent person

Release your inner self“So what exactly is emotional intelligence?” This is usually the question I face when I mention emotional intelligence (EI or EQ) and, to be honest, I’m always a little surprised that people find the term so foreign.  It was because of this, I decided to write this blog post and share some inspiration with all of you and while surprise is usually my reaction, I am also most grateful that EI elicits such a strong degree of curiosity.  Why?  Well, recent studies have shown that it is the most important factor in defining success in the workplace and happiness at home.  More and more companies are starting to hire people based on emotional competencies and this trend is starting to prove highly successful, with well recognised companies (like L’Oreal) focusing on hiring emotionally skilled people.

And thankfully, unlike IQ, which is inherently difficult to change, you can ‘up-skill your Emotional Intelligence’ with deliberate practice and training.  I will explore some themes and exercises with you later in this article.

So back to the opening question – “what exactly is emotional intelligence?”  Let’s begin by finding a suitable definition.  In its most basic translation, EI refers to the ability to perceive, control and evaluate emotions.  Not only one’s own emotions and feelings but, equally importantly, the emotions and feelings of the people around you.  The way we interact with and regulate our emotions has repercussions in nearly every aspect of our daily lives.

Carolyn Gregoire wrote in an article for the Huffington Post: “to put it in colloquial terms, emotional intelligence is like ‘street smarts’ as opposed to ‘book smarts’ and it’s what accounts for a great deal of one’s ability to navigate life effectively.”  Personally, I couldn’t agree more and to such an extent that Emotional Intelligence is an integral part of my course, The 5 steps to Clarity.  In fact, it’s the first step in the program.

RelationshipsDr Daniel Goleman, an influential psychologist and behavioural science journalist, who popularised this theory in the late eighties, describes EI as “managing feelings so that they are expressed appropriately and effectively, enabling people to work together smoothly toward their common goals.”

According to Goleman, there are four major skills that make up emotional intelligence.  I refer to them as the as the 4 Cores of EQ.  I have listed them below with a few exercises and tips to help develop your EI.

Self-Awareness:  Recognise the self by becoming more aware of your emotions and how they affect your moods.  A great exercise to help with this, is to keep a ‘mood diary’ – you’d be surprised how often we are in a bad mood or are feeling low but have no idea why.  Identifying the cause of your mood and writing it down with the corresponding emotion is a great way of becoming more self-aware, with the added benefit of being a good de-stressing exercise.

Self-Management: Next, learn to manage your moods and emotions.  It’s all well and good saying I’m angry because Bob (no offense to the Bobs of the world) said something mean, but real emotional intelligence is taking responsibility for one’s own emotional state and learning to deal with it promptly and effectively.  Remember, sometimes life events just happen.  No reason, no justification, they just happen.  But it’s our emotional reaction to these events that set us apart.  A good exercise for this Core is to write down a life event followed by your reaction to it and the outcome.  Example:  A flat tyre in the rain and you are late for work + frustration and anger = rude to taxi driver who over charges you or you are snappy with your work colleagues who complain and you are called in.  By writing this down you get to visually see how important your emotional reactions are.  And by changing your reaction, you learn to affect the outcome more positively.

The last conversationSocial Awareness:  Recognise how other people are feeling. This is referred to as being empathetic.  Stephen Covey, highly successful author (The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People) writes “seek first to understand and then be understood…” and this is especially true when you are learning empathy.  The key is to give the person you’re talking to your undivided attention.  Listening is the first step, but the real trick is trying to recreate the feeling they are feeling.  A good tip in this Core is to read up about body language and facial expressions.  You don’t have to be an expert, but understanding people’s postures and expressions go a long way in helping you to understand what others are feeling.

me-and-you-and-everyone-we-knowRelationship Management: Lastly, the human experience is built on relationships.  It’s well documented how the lack of affection and adequate socialising has hugely damaging effects on people; it seems we were designed to be around people.  By using the points above, you should be in an excellent position to start building effective and, most importantly, appropriate relationships with people.  By being genuinely interested in people, that curiosity combined with shared experiences through empathy and story-telling, will help to forge amazing relationships both in the work place and in your personal life.  These rich relationships will serve as great foundations for personal happiness and success.

To summarise:

  1. Recognise the self (Self Awareness) – Exercise:  Mood Diary
  2. Manage the self (Self Management) – Exercise:  Visualise your emotional reaction to a life event by writing it out
  3. Recognise others (Social Awareness) – Tip:  Read up on body language.  Listen to the person.  Try to feel what they feel.
  4. Build appropriate relationships (Relationship Management) – Tip:  Be genuinely interested in people, everyone can enrich your life with their story.

Okay, so there you have it.  I sincerely hope that this inspires you to go out there and start to improve your EI because I have no doubt that it will improve the quality of your life almost instantly.  As usual, if you need some help or know someone who does or if you’d like to ask me a question, please use the Contact Me button on the top right hand side of the screen.  I’m always happy to hear from you.

If you enjoyed this article please share on your favourite social media platform.  You never know who might see it, or who might need it.

What do you believe?

New Years ResolutionHave you ever wondered how some people do it?  How do some people actually make a real change in their lives? What exactly did they do and why do the rest of us stutter and stumble back into what we’ve always done?  As an example, let’s use an old favourite:  Going to the gym.  It’s New Year’s resolution time and quite commonly, especially after an indulgent festive season, most people set out to make going to the gym a part of their lives.  But it rarely lasts more than a few weeks and without even realising it they return to a more familiar ‘modus operandi’.  So why is their change only temporary?

The answer to this question is found in the understanding of how behaviour is affected by our beliefs.   Our belief systems are embedded within our unconscious mind (meaning they are largely autonomic and pre-programmed).  It is these systems of belief that ultimately govern and affect our lives.

Take our resolute new year’s gym goer who automatically reverts back to their accustomed way of behaving after a few weeks.  Given that going to the gym does not become a lifestyle change, but rather just a quick, dirty affair, it’s safe to conclude that their decision to go was a product of the conscious mind (meaning it was a specific, deliberate response or a superficial thought process).

However, in order for someone to make the change a permanent part of their life, they would need to address their existing limiting belief and replace it with a new, more empowering one.  In other words they would need to make a change to their belief system rather than just effecting a superficial change.  And that in a nutshell, is the nuts and bolts of this diagnostic.  Some people are able to make lasting changes in their lives (perhaps unknowingly) by changing what they believe.

Let’s take a closer look at this.  You may have heard of the Iceberg Paradigm.  It’s a useful metaphor to understand theThe Iceberg Paradigm unconscious mind, its relationship to the conscious mind and how the two parts of our mind can better work together.  Think of the mind as an iceberg.  It floats in the water with the biggest part of it below the surface.  Only a small part is visible above the surface.  In our paradigm the small amount of iceberg above the surface represents the conscious mind; the large part below the surface is our powerful unconscious (or subconscious) mind.

Okay, so now we know that our belief systems reside in our unconscious mind and that we need to change what we believe in if we are to make a lasting change in our lives, but let’s take a moment to ponder the following:  what exactly is a belief?

Mainstream psychology and related disciplines have traditionally treated belief as if it were the simplest form of mental representation and therefore one of the building blocks of conscious thought.  The dictionary defines belief as:  “an acceptance that something is real”.

As for me, I resonate with the definition “a belief is an assumed truth”.  I find it particularly apt because it gives me the power to assume any truth I choose!  “We are what we believe we are.” – C.S. Lewis.  A simple but powerful quote if you truly understand just how powerful your belief systems are.

Here is another example.  Take a young child who wets the bed in fear and trepidation of the monster under their bed!  Shadows are the beast come alive and the tiniest creak or croak from outside are the monster’s footstep at the edge of the bed.  Their belief is so strong that it actually manifests a physiological reaction such as heart palpitations, sweating and even bed wetting through heightened anxiety.

Monsters IncAs the child matures, they reach a rational understanding that monsters do not exist.  However, just because there is no longer evidence to support the belief, does not mean the belief will just disappear or automatically be replaced by a more empowering or positive one.  The unconscious mind does not work like that.  You see, when we believe in something we tend to find evidence to support it.  This is how it becomes a belief (and a reality).

Since the monsters are no longer rational or the evidence for the assumed truth (i.e. monsters exist) has been disproved, a new belief system must replace the old one. The belief of monsters is replaced by a fear of the dark or perhaps a fear of being alone.  When a belief is changed, it will always be replaced by another.  And further to the point is when we believe something; we WILL find evidence to support it – even if it’s not healthy for us and even if it means adopting a new set of beliefs.

Does the following sound familiar:  “but it’s just the way I am”?  This is a simple example of finding evidence to support your assumed truth.  And once we find evidence (even though it may be assumed) it reinforces our belief and this in turn creates a self-fulfilling prophecy or a causality of reality. Our beliefs define our reality.  If you believe yourself to be an unfortunate soul, cursed by the gods for whatever reason and that all your pockets have eternal holes – then this unfortunately (pardon the pun) will be your reality.

But the beauty of belief is that it is an ASSUMED truth.  And so our ‘woe is me’ belief system can be replaced by something healthier.

The first step in any process of transformation is identification or awareness.  You will need to first identify what your limiting belief is.Neural Network  Once you know what it is, then you can confront it, challenge it and replace it.  Please bear in mind that some beliefs are deeply ingrained and coupled with the galvanised shackle of time and habit, it can be extremely challenging to replace it.  Note – not impossible because it is an ‘assumed truth’, but challenging, because the assumption is so deeply believed.  It will require time, patience and tenacity.

You will notice that the moment you attempt to change a belief, your unconscious mind will flood with reasons and excuses as to why it won’t work.  This is the nature of self-preservation for the belief – because it wouldn’t be a belief if you didn’t have evidence to support.  The trick here is to logically challenge it and ask yourself honestly; what are the consequences of this belief?  While the unconscious will kick back quite strongly at first, keep at it.  Try writing it down.  The physical act of writing it down and actually seeing it on paper will help the unconscious to start accepting that a new belief is needed.

Remember – once you challenge the old belief have a new empowering one to take its place.  And be sure to tell people about it.  Proclaiming a belief is important, because if the people around you believe it, you will have more evidence to support your truth.  The more evidence you have, the easier it is for the belief to take root and grow.

In my program, The 5 Steps to Clarity, I used the Albert Ellis rational-emotive modal to help people reform a limiting belief.  It’s as simple as ABCDE.  We learn to identify the belief by understanding its emotional impact and what consequences it may have.  We then go onto use language effectively to ensure that we are affirming our new belief and like I said above, I show you how to “proclaim” your new belief and how to deal with the feedback your receive.

If you feel you need some guidance with this, please don’t hesitate to use the ‘Contact Me’ button at the top right of this page.

Good luck and remember – “if you think you can or you think you can’t, you are right!”

A theory of luck

Chinese symbol for good luckThis week has been filled with wishes of good luck as I went off to an important interview.  Everyone one I told about it was very forthcoming with this thing called luck. In fact I was told off by someone close because I had only told them about the interview afterwards, and their response was: ‘I didn’t even get a chance to wish you good luck’.    The interview went really well and I have been quietly sitting with my thoughts basking in the knowledge that it was a success.  The next natural and almost instinctual step was to tell everyone who wished me luck, and to express my gratitude for this ‘good luck’.

Since the dawn of time man has been obsessed with the idea of luck and good fortune.  Human culture is littered with examples of talismanic charms and symbols that have come to represent luck.  A rabbit’s foot, a four leafed clover, double egg yolk, an up turned horseshoe, ladybirds, scarab beetles, actors told to ‘break a leg’ and even numbers have all been assigned as purveyors fortune and good luck.

As I buzzed my way through texts and emails thanking people, a thought manifested itself and in a flurry of curiosity, questions came tumbling out:  what is luck and why are we as humans so compelled with the notion of giving it away freely and so earnestly?  Does it actually have a sphere of influence on the outcome?  Did all these people who sincerely wished me ‘luck’ actually affect the outcome?

Upon reflection these questions are somewhat weighty subjects and have been discussed at length all over the internet. You only need to delve a little deeper and you will find a wealth of information on the ideology of luck and concept of good fortune.  Philosophers have applied their logic to it, religion has wrapped its crooked fingers around it and scientists sneer at it because it is intangible and unprovable.

Me – I’m not about to delve into the genome of luck…  But rather I wish to share an intriguing thought I had as clamoured about with my questions.

Firstly what is luck?  Luck, as it is defined, is the fortunate or unfortunate outcome of an event without one’s own intention or will, and beyond control.  Success or failure apparently brought on by chance rather than through one’s own actions.  And so the cynic in logic and rationality simply says:  “this means nobody has any control of luck and therefore luck can’t really be given it away. And if it’s chance that alters my fate, then what have your wishes of luck accomplished?  They are merely kind and thoughtful words.”

If you’ve read my past posts, you will see that I often talk about something called ‘focussed intentions’. The idea behind this is simple – what you focus on, is what your reality will be.  There is nothing religious or scientific about this statement, it’s more an accepted truth if you understand the concept. The key is to know what you are focussing on and to correct your thoughts and words if you are focussing on the wrong things.   And this brings me to the last sentence of the cynical logistist: “They are merely kind and thoughtful words.”   People’s intentions are focussed through their thoughts and their words.  And if done with sincerity and honesty – they have the power to influence a desired outcome.  So I genuinely say thank you to all those who put their intentions into words and focused on me and my interview, even if it was just for a split second.  I am truly gratefully and blessed to have people that care about me so much.

The secret to success is not really a secret.  It’s about knowing one’s self and understanding how our self-beliefs work. Our limitations are a result of a poorly programmed unconscious mind and if one learns to reprogramme the unconscious, you begin to remove your limitations and unlock your true potential as a human being.

LanuageWhen we verbalise a thought, it becomes tangible and we can actually begin to analyse it – if you are analysing your thoughts you are mastering the art of being self-aware.  The key is not to question yourself and create self-doubt, but rather to find a way to positively rephrase your thoughts.  For example in preparation for my interview I repeated the following statement to myself every morning:  “I am confident, knowledgeable and successful” – instead of saying:  “I hope I get do well”.   I chose to say this phrase it in the mornings because according to research the mind is at its most receptive.  I did this to ensure that I was reprogramming my unconscious mind. I wanted those words to be a belief , a part of me and not just a statement I spoke.

If you wish to affect a real change in your life, start by your aligning your intentions with your words. Language is perhaps the most important of all your personal transformation tools because when you become self-aware and emotionally balanced, your language patterns will naturally change, but the catch is to use language patterns to become self-aware in the first place and it is also the way to focus your intentions.

As always, practise makes perfect so go out there and start to think about your daily words. Ask yourself:  “are my language patterns positive or negative?”  This simple and powerful statement is the first step to changing your language patterns.  If you need any help or advice, or just some guidance on how to do this more effectively, please use the ‘contact me’ tab.  I would be more than happy to help.

It would be remiss of me not to say ‘good luck’.